Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat/abuse their significant other. Battering most often occurs between a man and a woman but is also seen in gay men and women. If the person has three or more of the characteristics listed below, there is a STRONG potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely they are a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors, but they are very exaggerated (for example, they may start out mild and get more and more severe).
1.Jealousy (can range from questioning the victim about who she talks to, accusing her of flirting, being jealous of time spent with friends and family, to calling her frequently during the day, dropping by unexpectedly, refusing to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, etc.)
2.Controlling Behaviors (may tell her they are concerned for her safety at first, will be angry when she comes home late from the store or an appointment, will question her closely about where she went and who she talked to. As it gets worse, may not let her make personal decisions, may keep all the money, may make her ask permission to leave the house, etc.)
3.Quick Involvement (many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The abuser often comes on like a whirlwind claiming things like 'You're the only person I could ever talk to' or I've never felt loved like this by anyone. He will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship and try to make them feel guilty if they try to slow down or break off the relationship)
4.Unrealistic Expectations (abusive people will often expect their partner to meet all their needs-the perfect wife, mother and friend)
5.Isolation (abusive person tries to cut off the victim from all resources, including family and friends. If she has male friends, she's a whore. If she has female friends, she's a lesbian. If she's close to her family, she's tied to the apron strings.)
6.Blames others for problems (if chronically unemployed, the abuser may say everyone is out to get him. He may make mistakes and blame them on the woman for upsetting him/keeping him from concentrating. He may tell the woman that anything that goes wrong is her fault)
7.Blames others for feelings (will tell the woman 'You make me mad'or 'You are hurting me by doing what I don't want you to do')
8.Hypersensitivity (abuser is easily insulted and takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks-may rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened)
Are you a victim?
* Are you frightened of your partner's temper?
* Do you often go along with your partner because you are afraid of your partner's anger?
* Do you drink heavily or use drugs?
* Were you abused as a child?
* Did you witness your parent being abused or battered?
* Have you been hit, kicked, and/or shoved by your partner?
* Has your partner ever thrown objects at you?
* Do you make plans about activities or with friends according to what your partner wants or how they will react?
* Do you find yourself apologizing for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly?
* Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells when you are with your partner?
* Do you feel like your partner is nice one moment and angry/mean the next?
* Has your partner accused or blamed you for things you have not done?
* Does your partner call you names or insult you (publicly and privately)?
* Has your partner kept you from working and/or controlled your finances?
* Does your partner frequently threaten to leave or tell you to leave?
* Has your partner threatened to kidnap the children if you leave him/her?
* Has your partner abused your pets?
* Has your partner ever touched you against your will?
* Has your partner ever tried to keep you from taking medications or from seeking medical assistance?
* Does your partner make it hard for you to find/keep a job or go to school?
* Has your partner ever used, or threatened to use a weapon against you?
* Does your partner act jealously (i.e., accusing you of being unfaithful)?
* Has your partner ever threatened to kill you and/or your children?
* Does your partner keep you isolated from family and friends?
* Does your partner destroy your property and things you cherish?
If you recognize some of the above feelings/instances, you may be a victim of abuse. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Call us at 503-397-7110, or call the Crisis Line at 503-397-6161
Why She Stays:
Many people recognize they are being mistreated or abused but choose to stay in the relationship for a number of reasons. Below are some of the common reasons people stay in unhappy or abusive relationships.
1. LOVE You love your partner, and there are still times when your partner is very loving.
2. HOPE You have many memories of happy times , and hope those times will return. Your partner may promise to change, or you may think if you do things differently, the abuse will stop.
3. MAKING LIGHT OF THE ABUSE Your partner may deny that his or her behavior is abusive, or act like it's not a big deal, and you want to believe this. It's very painful to admit that someone you love would hurt you, so you might try to convince yourself it's not really that bad.
4. BLAMING YOURSELF You might blame yourself for his or her abusive behavior, saying you made him angry, or that you did something to deserve it. A part of you may believe this.
5. LINK BETWEEN LOVE AND VIOLENCE If you grew up in a home where there was violence, or if you were ever hit by a parent and told they were doing it because they love you, you might have learned to think that love and violence go together.
6. HOPELESSNESS You may feel like you'll never be able to be happy, you'll never find a partner who treats you any better, or that all relationships include abuse.
7. GENDER ROLES If you are a woman in a relationship with a man, you may have learned from family, religion, or culture that men are supposed to be in charge, can't help being violent, or have the right to discipline their women. You may believe that women have to put up with this behavior and try to keep their men happy.
8. EMBARASSMENT AND SHAME You may not want to admit what's going on to others because you're afraid of what they will think about you.
9. FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE You may depend on your partner for financial support.
10. LACK OF SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIPS You may have become isolated from your friends and family, or family and friends may pressure you to stay with your partner.
11. FEAR Your partner may have threatened to hurt or kill you or someone you care about if you leave.
12. NOT WANTING TO BE ALONE You may panic at the thought of being without your partner.
13.LOYALTY You may feel the right thing to do is to stick with your partner no matter what.
14. RESCUE COMPLEX You think you can change, fix, or heal your partner if you stay.
15. GUILT Your partner may make you feel guilty about how much it would hurt him if you left. He may even threaten to commit suicide.
16. CHILDREN If you have a child with your partner, you may believe it best for the child to have two parents who are together.
17. DEPENDENCY ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL Many people use drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with abuse, which then makes them less clear and makes it more difficult to leave. |
